Help me forget (for I long to remember)
by ab0810
Summary: Suddenly he is brave and wants to help, she just wants to forget. Caryl.
1. Chapter 1

AN So this is my very first Caryl fic. Scary stuff.

Funny story really, I originally wrote 1000 words of smut which had no actual plot so I created this fic to try to weave some actual story into the existing smuttyness. Coincidently the original smut now doesn't fit this fic at all. Fml. However I have decided to share my little fic with you all, hopefully you will like it. I would love to know your thoughts, good or bad.

This fic is set mid season 6 but before Not Tomorrow Yet, cuz you know, Tobin. So fair warning if you aren't all caught up yet.

This has not been betaed so all mistakes are my very own. I have tried hard to minimise them but do feel free to point any out to me you find. Also I am English and therefore may spell things a little different, again sorry, I have tried.

Disclaimer: I do not, of course, own these characters or anything at all from TWD and therefore I am making no money from this. I wish I did tho, I would treat them so good.

Chapter one

Carol would like to say that she understands how they got into this position, but for the life of her she has no idea. If she thinks back she can imagine a time, some moments perhaps, where this may not have come as such a surprise. She thinks she might have been shocked but it wouldn't have been completely out of the blue. There was a time when flirting and shoulder bumps and secret smiles were their thing, but not now. Now they are distant and guarded with each other. She's not sure whose fault it is, his or hers. Probably both. But the fact remains that right now they aren't as close as they used to be, which is why she is perplexed to find herself pressed against the wall of the house with Daryl pressing hot kisses on her neck.

Through the haze of lust she remembers sitting on the porch smoking a cigarette. He had sat down beside her, not talking, just sitting. She remembers feeling the silence as a stifling force threatening to choke her with the need to fill it. It had never been that way with them before, but now, now his very presence makes everything harder. It's easier to pretend without having to look into his perceptive eyes. She remembers stubbing her cigarette out and disguarding it. She stands and they haven't spoken a word. She expected him to just let her leave, that was their way, they didn't push and that hadn't changed. Instead she heard him speak "how long this gonna go on for?"

She is a little startled and pauses before pretending she doesn't know what he's on about "how long is what going to go on for Daryl?"

He stands abruptly and moves towards her. He is agitated and gesturing with his hands and she realises that he is serious about talking this out right now and she just can't do that. She mentally does not have the strength to deal with it. She continues walking towards the door and hears his voice growl out "don't play stupid, we both know you ain't."

She's at the door when she feels his hand on her arm, soft, no force behind it, but very definitely encouraging her to turn and look at him. Once she is facing him he tilts her chin so shes looking at him "you don't gotta pretend with me, I don't wanna push but I don't know what the fuck is goin' on. I don't know why you still playing this fuckin' housewife shit, we all know that ain't you no more, that ain't a bad thing. Don't what the fuck I did to pissed you off, don't know what the fuck is going on with you, don't know what the fuck you need."

It all comes out in a desperate rush, there is no denying it's the most he's said in a long time. He's not done though as he continues on, "you don't talk no more, don't smile no more, not real fuckin' smiles anyway, just that pretend shit all the time. I know shit happened just..." he is fumbling for words, seemingly his outburst finally calmed and he's doesn't know how to finish his sentence. She's staring at him wide eyed, unsure what has come over him to cause this truly uncharacteristic outburst. "Just...please." She's still staring when he finishes talking, finishes his plea. His eyes don't leave hers, both apparently now at a loss as to what to do. They don't speak for several long minutes and she's sure any second he is going to turn and leave and just pretend it hasn't happened, but he doesn't.

Suddenly he is as close to her as he can get without touching her, the door is directly behind her and she has no where to go. A brief flicker of panic flashes inside her but is over quickly, she knows he won't hurt her. She shifts slightly so she is against the wall and he follows her movement, a look of determination in his eye. Her breath hitches and she knows that whatever is about to happen will change things forever. He is suddenly flush against her and she feels his breath on her neck, his mouth is next to her ear when he whispers "tell me what you need, lemme help."

She is truly staggered by his sudden confidence and she can only assume he is truly desperate at this point and cannot think of anything else to do. She realises he can help, right now he can give her what she wants "make me forget." He pauses briefly before asking, "forget what?" She shakes her head gently. "Everything."

She is suddenly back in the moment and desperately trying to achieve what she wants, to forget. His mouth is wet and soft against her neck, his tongue tracing patterns on to her skin before his lips suck against her gently, her hand is gripping his hair and she is panting wildly. His thigh is pressed between her legs and they are clinging to each other so tightly you couldn't get a sheet of paper between them.

She has wanted him for so long, the feeling has been buried deep and not dwelled upon most of the time, but the want has always been there. His hands on her body and mouth on her neck are the reality of many a quiet fantasy she let herself indulge in. She is trying so hard to switch off her mind and lose herself in the sensations, if only for a brief time, but she just can't. She can't do it. She can't use his feelings for her to try and forget every awful thing she has done, if he knew he probably wouldn't even want to touch her. She can't let herself use him like this, she won't. She drops her hands from his head down to her sides and suddenly she feels tears fill her eyes and a deep sob wrenches from her chest.

Daryl shifts, his lips are no longer on her neck, this thigh isn't pressing so insistently against her. One hand buries itself in her hair as he guides her head to his chest. She feels his other hand travel slowly up and down her back as she sobs her grief into his vest. She's clinging to him now, both hands are bunched tightly into his shirt under his vest and she just cannot stop the tears. She has no idea how long they have stood there, how many people have seen them and she really doesn't care. Once the sobs have subsided he releases her and slowly draws her inside the house. He sits her on the couch and mumbles something about making tea.

The few minutes by herself are gratefully received and she uses them to try and get some composure. He returns quickly and hands her a scolding mug. He sits beside her and waits quietly. The silence is not as oppressive as it had been on the porch, but it is still weighed with expectation. She sips her tea, the liquid too hot to comfortably drink but she needs the action to distract her from his gaze. She doesn't look at him, instead she focuses on her drink and whispers quietly "I killed Lizzie."

He doesn't respond and she lifts her eyes to his to try and gage his reaction. She sees no judgement, no hatred, just acceptance that there will be an explanation. She takes a deep breath, puts her cup down and pours out the whole story. She tells him her fear that she is a monster, the awful things she has done, that she can't do it anymore. He listens the whole time, he doesn't say a word. He has taken one of her hands at some point, she had been wringing them together like crazy when he had gently grasped one and pulled it into his lap. His thumb was still gently caressing over her knuckles, soothing her without words. She stops talking with a shuddering sigh and meets his eyes. "There ain't nothin' you'll ever tell me that'll make me think you're a monster, nothin'. Everything you did you had too. It ain't pretty but it don't make you a monster. If you cant do it no more then let me do it for you. I'm sorry I couldn't do it all for you anyway."

She shakes her head gently "I don't want you to do it for me, I don't want anyone to have to do it."

"Well that ain't your choice, cuz I'm sure as shit not letting you get hurt or take off by yourself." Her eyes widen "you think I don't know what's been going round in your head? I know you, I been waiting for it since the night you tired to sneak away before" he swallows heavily "I can't lose you again Carol."

She thought she had cried all she could but big tears are running down her face and she finds herself in Daryl's arms again. With her head buried in his neck she talks against his skin "would you have let me do it Daryl?" He makes a questioning noise against her hair "would you have let me use you to just try to forget?" He stiffens slightly but she feels his head nod against her "even though it would her been wrong for us to start that way, probably would have just done more damage?" He shifts a little but eventually he answers, "would have done whatever you needed."

She raises her head to look at him, she's exhausted, the emotional upheaval draining her body but she needs something more. She knows that sex isn't really the answer, it isn't going to make everything better but she wants to just feel something real. "Will you make love to me Daryl?"

His eyes widen impossibly and he opens his mouth a couple of times, obviously not sure what to say, eventually he chokes out "right now?" She nods. "You're sure?" She nods again "I want you to help me remember, help me remember the good feelings."

He gives one sharp nod and she stands from the couch, reaching a shaking hand out to him she waits for him to take it. His hands are shaking too when he grasps her offered hand and she leads them up the stairs to her bedroom.

AN 2. Well, that it. Good? Bad? Oh dear God never write again?

I haven't marked it as compete because although my smutty scene now doesn't really fit this (it's a little too playful I think) I am kinda open to attempting a seconds chapter.

Thanks for reading folks


	2. Chapter 2

He is terrified. Carol is holding his hand and walking up the stairs towards her bedroom and he is terrified. There is honestly no other word to describe it.

He feels her fingers tighten around his and knows she can feel the trembling of his hands. He doesn't want to feel like this. God knows he wants her, he has wanted her for a long time, he's not sure he can remember a time when he didn't want her. She's asked him to make love to her, and he wants too, he really does, he just has absolutely no idea how.

Suddenly they are at her bedroom and she is pulling him through the open door. She closes it behind them and he immediately feels like he could panic. Carol looks at him and gives a small smile.

"We don't have to Daryl."

He shakes his head. "I want to."

Suddenly he feels a little calmer, he might be shit at this but this is Carol. His Carol. He knows she needs this right now; she needs to feel loved, wanted, worth something. He might be shit, he might not make her come, but he will make her feel loved if it's the last goddamned thing he does.

He takes a deep steadying breath and steps close to her. Her breathing is shallow and a little fast as he raises his hand and cups her cheek. He thumb runs gently across her bottom lip and she follows the path of this thumb with her tongue. He groans quietly, his face is close enough to hers that he caresses her nose with his own. He moves slowly and brushes his lips across hers. He separates their lips briefly before pressing them together again. Their kisses remain sweet, almost chaste for a while, lips sliding against lips, small pecks and gentle breaths shared. He pulls her bottom lip between his, sucking gently before releasing it and kissing her again. She groans against his mouth and pushes her tongue against his lips, he opens his mouth and her tongue meets his.

One of his hands has moved into her hair, the other still cupping her cheek. He angles her head slightly as they continue to kiss, tongues now sliding intimately against each other. Exploring each other, learning the taste of the other and the things which make them gasp. He doesn't remember ever kissing like this. He certainly doesn't remember enjoying it like he is now, like he could do this, and only this, for hours.

They are pressed tightly against one another, one of Carol's hands is grasping his shirt and the other is caressing the back of his neck. Their kisses become a little frantic and he is suddenly walking them towards the bed. Carols knees hit the side of the bed and they fall together. Their mouths separate as they fall, his arms brace against the mattress and stop him from crushing her. The brief loss of contact is enough to remind him that frantic, and almost certainly quick, is not how he wants this to go. He moves away from her a little and takes in her appearance. Her face is flushed, her lips kiss swollen and eyes heavy lidded. Her breath comes in quick pants as she reaches for him attempting to drag him back down. He resists her attempts and instead slowly starts to unbutton her shirt.

He keeps eye contact with her the whole time. When the final button is undone she lifts her body, freeing her arms and he pulls her shirt from underneath her. He places the shirt on the floor beside the bed and returns to look at her. She still has a tank top on but so much more of her skin is revealed to him now and he's not in a rush to get her naked.

He leans down and starts placing gentle kisses along her collarbone. He continues his kisses across her throat, mixing in small sucks and a brush of teeth followed by a soothing lick. She squirm's underneath him and lets out a pleading groan.

"Daryl, please." She grasps his head and tries to bring his lips back to hers.

He chuckles a little against her lips. "Hush, ain't no rush." She groans again, this time in frustration.

He trails kisses along her jaw and up behind her ear and whispers gently. "Let me try to make it good for you sweetheart. Ain't gonna be no good if it's over in a minute. Let me try."

Carol whimpers and arches her body up into his. "God Daryl, it _is_ good."

He grins against her neck, hearing its good is a much needed boost to his confidence. "Better let me keep doing it then."

She can't ever remember having someone's attention so focused on her, at least not in a good way. Daryl is using his hands and mouth to explore every part of her exposed skin and she feels worshiped. He hasn't even taken her tank top off yet and she's half way to losing her mind.

She thought she would want this hard and fast, maybe even rough. She wanted to really feel it, she wants to not feel numb anymore. Out on the porch they had quickly gone from zero to frantic and she expected the same now they were behind a closed door but Daryl seems determined to keep it slow. Now she feels that with every brush of his mouth on her skin he is slowly filling that gaping void in her soul. She has felt empty and numb for so long she had almost forgotten what it's like to let yourself feel loved.

His palms are sliding up her stomach under her tank top and she arches her back as he cups her breasts through her bra. He runs his thumbs over her hard nipples as he slides his tongue back into her mouth. She can feel his arousal as he presses his hips into hers and she can't help but slide her hands to grasp his ass and press him in harder. She catches his moan in her mouth and it's the sexiest thing she has ever heard.

She suddenly realises he is still completely dressed and intends to rectify that very quickly. She starts to push his vest off his shoulders but he has to push off the bed to free his arms. She sits up onto her knees and quickly starts to unbutton his shirt, she senses his hesitation and not wanting to push him she stops and removes her own tank top instead. She throws it somewhere behind her and does the same with her bra and then boldly lifts her eyes to his face. His eyes are firmly fixed on her newly exposed skin but he suddenly reaches behind him and pulls his shirt over his head without even attempting any more of the buttons.

She runs her hands up his chest, flicking over his nipples briefly before she moves to lower her lips to his neck. He groans and grasps her hips and she trails kisses down his neck and over his chest. She licks a nipple before moving to its twin and gently biting down before flicking her tongue against it and then sucking.

He is panting and his hands flex on her hips. Suddenly she finds herself flat on the bed again and his mouth is running across her breasts. He finds a nipple and alternates kisses with sucks and light bites before moving to the other, giving it the same attention until she is whimpering and moaning and desperately trying to undo his belt.

She feels him undoing the button on her pants and sliding the zipper down. His hands slide around her hips and over her ass under her pants. His mouth is still on her breasts while his hands run slowly down the back of her thighs dragging her pants down with them. His kisses move down her stomach as he drags her pants down her legs, he presses a kiss over her panties and she groans loudly and grasps the sheets in her hands. He moves his kisses down her legs until her pants are off and he is kneeling on the floor.

He's looking up at her from the floor with such intensity she almost wants to cover herself. She would have done except his gaze is filled with awe and desire and she has never felt so wanted in her whole life. He reaches forward and grasps her hips again; he gently pulls her body so her hips are sitting at the edge of the bed. He lifts one of her legs and kisses her ankle, his mouth moves up slightly and kisses again. She can't help but keep her eyes locked on his as he moves leisurely up her leg, she's panting harshly in anticipation of his ultimate destination and can't help but groan loudly as he sucks the very top of her thigh. She's expecting his mouth to touch where she desperately needs him, instead she feels him move away, lift the other leg and start the process of kissing his way up again. She huffs a breath out in frustration.

"Daryl, please, for God's sak..."

Before she has time to finish her sentence his nose is brushing against her panties and she loses her trail of thought. Her head slams back against the bed when she feels his mouth through the damp material, his tongue presses against her clit and she thrusts her hips towards his mouth with a loud moan. His hands grip her hips gently as he moves his mouth over her making her writhe beneath him.

He grasps the top of her panties and pulls them down her legs throwing them behind him and before she can miss him too much his mouth is back on her, tongue sliding deliciously through her pussy, gathering her arousal and flicking against her clit. She can't help but grasp his hair and push him further into her. He lifts his head slightly and she catches his eye.

"Tell me what you like Carol, I ain't got a damn clue how to do this properly, so you gotta tell me."

Panting heavily she manages to groan out "Just keep going, that was perfect.

He grins at her and lowers his mouth back down, he keeps eye contact with her and she thinks it might be the most erotic thing she has ever seen.

She idly thinks in the back of her mind that for a man who is so certain he doesn't know what he's doing he's getting her there amazingly fast. His tongue is working on her clit relentlessly and she's being far louder than she ever remembers.

He pushes a finger into her and she can't help but cry out. "Fuck, oh fuck yesss."

He slides the finger out and back in again before adding a second all the while his tongue is dancing over her clit maddeningly. He starts to thrust his fingers and then he's sucks on her clit. She can't focus on anything but him, the way his mouth and fingers are making her feel. She feels her orgasm approaching fast and she can't help but thrust her hips against his face. He curls his fingers inside her while pressing his tongue hard against her clit and she comes spectacularly. Her back arches and she cries out his name while she rides the high of her orgasm. He gently removes his fingers and slowly kisses up her body. She pulls his mouth to her and kisses him deeply. She can taste herself as they kiss but she finds it just turns her on more. He pulls back and she's still breathing heavily. He gives her a sheepish grin.

"Good?"

"Fuck Daryl. So good."

He chuckles against her neck "You're loud, never would have guessed. Betting the whole damn place heard."

She blushes but laughs with him "I couldn't help it."

This time it's his turn to blush and she giggles again before pulling him into another kiss.

Their kisses become passionate quickly and he moans into her mouth when she pushes a hand between them to grasp his rock hard cock.

"I need you Daryl, I need to feel you inside me."

He stands and quickly finishes unbuckling his belt, he unfastens his pants and pushes them off while she wriggles up the bed to settle on the pillows. As soon as he is naked he is slowly moving over her. He settles between her thighs and both moan at the feeling. He's kissing her again and she feels him move to grasp himself. He runs the head of his cock over her clit before sliding it back towards her entrance. He pushes in gently and they both groan loudly. She winds her legs around his back and pushes her hips up as he thrusts down.

He sinks into her fully and he's whispering harshly into her mouth "Fucking Christ Carol. Fuck."

She whispers her own encouragement against his lips, telling him to move and how good he feels. His arms are braced either side of her head, hands holding her head as he kisses her. His thrusts are slow but hard, she cries out every time he thrusts in and he moans with her. Her hands grips his shoulders, one slides down to his ass and encourages him to press deeper.

They don't stop kissing as his thrusts become harder, he's panting harshly into her mouth and she knows he's close and she wants him to come.

"Let go Daryl, I want you too, I want to feel you come."

He practically growls at her words and thrusts his hips harder. She slips a hand between them and rubs circles over her clit, she squeezes her eyes shut and her mouth drops open as her orgasm washes over her and she feels him thrust erratically a few more times before he moans harshly into her mouth as he comes too.

She wraps her arms around his back as he leans his weight onto her, both breathing harshly as they come down from their highs. His forehead is resting against hers and they trade small kisses and soft smiles.

She feels like giggling, for the first time in a long time she feels happy. The hurt is still there, the anger, the guilt, and she's positive it will all come crashing back down soon but right now she feels lighter, calmer and she wants to bask in it for a little longer.

He pushes himself up from her body and she makes a noise of protest, pulling him back down with her legs still wrapped round his back.

He chuckles and kisses her neck before gruffly muttering "I'm gonna crush you."

She shakes her head. "Just stay a bit longer, you aren't crushing me."

She wants to feel his weight over her but he's determined not to make her uncomfortable. He reaches behind to uncross her ankles from his back before rolling them so she is now settled on top of him. She nuzzles into his neck before looking back at his face.

"Thank you." She almost laughs at the look of disbelief he gives her.

"You ain't gotta thank me for that. Holy shit Carol I've been thinking bout that for years. I should be thanking you."

"Not just for that, although that was quite fantastic, if I'd known it would be that good I might have pushed my offer of screwing around more." He blushes but he grins too. "What I was really saying thank you for was for not giving up on me. I know I've pulled away, but you kept coming back, pushed me a bit. It's going to take me some time but I'm hoping I can get better."

He brings her lips to his and kisses her delicately "I'm sorry for not seeing it sooner. For not being there when you needed me. I'm not goin' anywhere, imma be right here, whenever you need me from now on. Just stay with me, I can't be wondering if you're about to take off."

Carol brushes her nose against his, tears tingle in her eyes again as she hears the note of underlying distress in his words.

"I'm not going anywhere. I promise. I might want to sometimes, but I won't. I'll stay with you. I won't leave you."

She settles against his chest and they lie quietly, savoring their closeness, the scent of their combined skin. She reaches down to pull the sheet over them both and closes her eyes. She's not better, not even close but she thinks she can be. She wants to be. It's a start anyway.


End file.
